What's goin' on..

In a novel, when it wants to describe someone losing control of their weight, it often says "ballooned up to" as in, she was an athlete in high school but her freshman year in college she ballooned up to 300 pounds.

I have certainly ballooned, though given my physical and emotional state, it feels like this balloon was filled with lead. I'm incredibly heavy, emotionally and physically. I have passed the point of, "oh but she wears it well". No longer do I feel voluptuous and curvaceous, I'm piled up sacks of potatoes stuffed in clothes.

I don't know how to get past this. I daily feel like a failure and I don't know how to get things to be different. I feel even articulation of my need of my deficit of my difficulty is beyond me.

Lord,

Get me out of these shackles I've put myself in. I don't even know what more to ask but you know it all. Help me heal. Help me serve you and do what I was meant to do on this earth.

Love,
M.

How long?

How long have I been so out of it? I feel like I just woke up only to discover that I had been existing, carrying on my life, while sleepwalking for quite some time.

I feel like Delores Price, waking out of a depressed stupor, only to feel overwhelmed with how to go about moving on.

More later,
M.

Saturday..

So.. It's one week to Easter and 2 weeks till we celebrate my baby boy's 3rd b-day.

I've been feeling particularly low this week. Health issues, grief and so many unresolved matters have been breaking my sleep and making me feel impatient, incompetent and overall dysfunctional.

My dh and I have had some good communication, and I've some very blessed quiet times though, AND my dear friend who asked me to be a prayer/ study/ accountabilty partner and I were able to be there for each other this week so I do feel hope in spite of circumstances.

God is good, all the time. If I'm not feeling His presence, it's cause I need to draw closer and that's what I've been trying to do.

More later,
M.

Insomnia and tears.... again..

That's about the size of it. I miss Johnny. I miss what could have been; what should have been.

Dear God,

Give me what I need to go on being a wife and daughter, mom and woman You want me to be, even when I'm utterly broken.

Amen.

Turkey day leftovers!

Happy Thanksgiving day after to all!

How was everyone's holiday? Mine went surprisingly well. I expected to be a basket case totally unable to enjoy food, friends or family, and aside from a few sad moments and memories whose clarity was sharp enough to cut, I really did just fine.

I spent the morning cooking my contributions to the family meal, whilst watching the Macy's Day Parade between chopping , stirring and otherwise preparing holiday deliciousness.

The dog show's beginning is our cue that we should be on the road so after watching a few cute pooches in our frenzy to get out the door we headed to my aunt and uncle's. The food was very good. We had sprkling apple cider, my kids had a blast. My daughter got to ride in my sister's new Volkswagon Beetle to go to Dunkin' Donuts (one of T's highlights) and my son was uncharacteristically social with the other little ones, had a great time whooping it up with them and eating all the tasty holiday treats he doesn't normally get. (His highlight I think was when he found an 8 pack of mini bags of M&Ms and my mom gave him one) Toddlers! All the effort we put into cooking for the holidays and their favorite taste treat is Halloween candy.

K enjoyed playing the guitar and chatting with the other musical guys in attendence and I think my best part, aside from a piece of phenomenal cheesecake by the baker of Veronica's Treats, was hearing my uber-talented eldest cousin's Sarah's latest song. She put into song form and sang in her beautiful voice exactly the place where my heart has been for the past month. I loved it. I gotta figure out how to post audio to this and get her permission to post it, cause it really is where my heart is at.

Around 5 or 6 we went over to my best friend Julie's for coffee and dessert. It was her fist time playing hostess for a major holiday in their new home and it was asmashing success. We didn't hang long, mostly because I was tired and sore and wanted home, meds and bed in that order, but it was really good to see how happy she was, how super successful her day had been and how great her dining room looked! They had taken down the wallpaper and border that the house had wehn they bought it and put a beautiful paint job in it's place. It really was perfect for having people over cause it made the space seem 1 1/2 times bigger.

I gotta get the kids and I ready to head out cause my aunt P (that lives in NH ) is down to my mom's today with her little man Sean (he's 1 and blond, blue eyed adorability if I ever saw it!)

More later,
M.

Thanksgiving..AKA Why am I having a nervous breakdown in the checkout aisle?!?

I spent some time at my parents' house yesterday, trying to do any of the little odds and ends that need to be done. I felt good about the day, as good as can be felt in such circumstances, anyway.

I went to Wal-mart after that and got through my shopping without incident, almost. After I paid, I was headed out of the store when I lost it. I was hit with a tidal wave of grief. That ugly kind where you're heaving and gasping for breath, nose running, and no matter how you try to assure people around you that you'll be ok, they somehow have trouble believing you. The manager came up to us trying to comfort me by saying that I'd cook and be with my family for Thanksgiving..

I don't know when this is going to get easier. I guess eventually it must, but right now is an unpredictable, sometimes nightmarish roller coaster.

Happy Turkey Day to all! Enjoy your friends and family. The things that really matter.

We'll have to see about that..

In my eagerness to promote my and K's store sites I looked around on the 'net for free advertising. The two previous posts are from such sites. I don't know what will really come of it.

I guess I'm going back to the proverbial drawing board on this. Being new to sales kinda means I'm also a total novice at self promotion.