Million Little Fat Cells

What's goin' on..

2009-06-02T06:18:00.000-07:00

In a novel, when it wants to describe someone losing control of their weight, it often says "ballooned up to" as in, she was an athlete in high school but her freshman year in college she ballooned up to 300 pounds.

I have certainly ballooned, though given my physical and emotional state, it feels like this balloon was filled with lead. I'm incredibly heavy, emotionally and physically. I have passed the point of, "oh but she wears it well". No longer do I feel voluptuous and curvaceous, I'm piled up sacks of potatoes stuffed in clothes.

I don't know how to get past this. I daily feel like a failure and I don't know how to get things to be different. I feel even articulation of my need of my deficit of my difficulty is beyond me.

Lord,

Get me out of these shackles I've put myself in. I don't even know what more to ask but you know it all. Help me heal. Help me serve you and do what I was meant to do on this earth.

Love,
M.

How long?

2008-04-14T08:44:00.001-07:00

How long have I been so out of it? I feel like I just woke up only to discover that I had been existing, carrying on my life, while sleepwalking for quite some time.

I feel like Delores Price, waking out of a depressed stupor, only to feel overwhelmed with how to go about moving on.

More later,
M.

Saturday..

2008-03-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

So.. It's one week to Easter and 2 weeks till we celebrate my baby boy's 3rd b-day.

I've been feeling particularly low this week. Health issues, grief and so many unresolved matters have been breaking my sleep and making me feel impatient, incompetent and overall dysfunctional.

My dh and I have had some good communication, and I've some very blessed quiet times though, AND my dear friend who asked me to be a prayer/ study/ accountabilty partner and I were able to be there for each other this week so I do feel hope in spite of circumstances.

God is good, all the time. If I'm not feeling His presence, it's cause I need to draw closer and that's what I've been trying to do.

More later,
M.

Insomnia and tears.... again..

2007-12-20T00:18:00.000-08:00

That's about the size of it. I miss Johnny. I miss what could have been; what should have been.

Dear God,

Give me what I need to go on being a wife and daughter, mom and woman You want me to be, even when I'm utterly broken.

Amen.

Turkey day leftovers!

2007-11-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving day after to all!

How was everyone's holiday? Mine went surprisingly well. I expected to be a basket case totally unable to enjoy food, friends or family, and aside from a few sad moments and memories whose clarity was sharp enough to cut, I really did just fine.

I spent the morning cooking my contributions to the family meal, whilst watching the Macy's Day Parade between chopping , stirring and otherwise preparing holiday deliciousness.

The dog show's beginning is our cue that we should be on the road so after watching a few cute pooches in our frenzy to get out the door we headed to my aunt and uncle's. The food was very good. We had sprkling apple cider, my kids had a blast. My daughter got to ride in my sister's new Volkswagon Beetle to go to Dunkin' Donuts (one of T's highlights) and my son was uncharacteristically social with the other little ones, had a great time whooping it up with them and eating all the tasty holiday treats he doesn't normally get. (His highlight I think was when he found an 8 pack of mini bags of M&Ms and my mom gave him one) Toddlers! All the effort we put into cooking for the holidays and their favorite taste treat is Halloween candy.

K enjoyed playing the guitar and chatting with the other musical guys in attendence and I think my best part, aside from a piece of phenomenal cheesecake by the baker of Veronica's Treats, was hearing my uber-talented eldest cousin's Sarah's latest song. She put into song form and sang in her beautiful voice exactly the place where my heart has been for the past month. I loved it. I gotta figure out how to post audio to this and get her permission to post it, cause it really is where my heart is at.

Around 5 or 6 we went over to my best friend Julie's for coffee and dessert. It was her fist time playing hostess for a major holiday in their new home and it was asmashing success. We didn't hang long, mostly because I was tired and sore and wanted home, meds and bed in that order, but it was really good to see how happy she was, how super successful her day had been and how great her dining room looked! They had taken down the wallpaper and border that the house had wehn they bought it and put a beautiful paint job in it's place. It really was perfect for having people over cause it made the space seem 1 1/2 times bigger.

I gotta get the kids and I ready to head out cause my aunt P (that lives in NH ) is down to my mom's today with her little man Sean (he's 1 and blond, blue eyed adorability if I ever saw it!)

More later,
M.

Thanksgiving..AKA Why am I having a nervous breakdown in the checkout aisle?!?

2007-11-21T17:56:00.000-08:00

I spent some time at my parents' house yesterday, trying to do any of the little odds and ends that need to be done. I felt good about the day, as good as can be felt in such circumstances, anyway.

I went to Wal-mart after that and got through my shopping without incident, almost. After I paid, I was headed out of the store when I lost it. I was hit with a tidal wave of grief. That ugly kind where you're heaving and gasping for breath, nose running, and no matter how you try to assure people around you that you'll be ok, they somehow have trouble believing you. The manager came up to us trying to comfort me by saying that I'd cook and be with my family for Thanksgiving..

I don't know when this is going to get easier. I guess eventually it must, but right now is an unpredictable, sometimes nightmarish roller coaster.

Happy Turkey Day to all! Enjoy your friends and family. The things that really matter.

We'll have to see about that..

2007-11-16T18:58:00.000-08:00

In my eagerness to promote my and K's store sites I looked around on the 'net for free advertising. The two previous posts are from such sites. I don't know what will really come of it.

I guess I'm going back to the proverbial drawing board on this. Being new to sales kinda means I'm also a total novice at self promotion.

Sorry about this..

2007-11-16T18:50:00.001-08:00

Blog advertising

CFL Light Bulb

Ad?

2007-11-16T18:47:00.000-08:00

Let's see how this works...

Blog advertising

Through a reddish haze..

2007-11-16T14:45:00.000-08:00

I'm in pain right now. I started a memorial blog for John.

http://jpcsis.blogspot.com/

Days just seem to be getting more difficult.

Dry mouth and bleary eyes...

2007-11-14T04:08:00.000-08:00

I spent the afternoon at my mom and dad's yesterday, part helping out with John's room, part just talking and a little crying too.

I felt good about the progress we made in the space. I guess it's going to kinda be a kid's den for a while, with shelves of books, movies, games, music and all the electronics to access those various entertainments.

I laid down feeling utterly weary but still woke at 6:30. My eyes have a gritty feel to them, my joints are wobbly and flared, and my mouth feels like I tried to swallow sandpaper.

I'm still grappling with this. I had seen past this patch of his life, seen in my wild optimism that there would be some way to manage all the various degrees of pain and thought he was going to be quite successful, in fact. Instead I feel like I got a third of the way through a great novel only to realize that the last 400 pages are blank!

I miss you, Johnny.

Facing my day with trepidation..

2007-11-10T05:52:00.000-08:00

I woke up still flared in the hands and wrists. I've got so much to do today. I don't know if this is the stress of loss or what but my body has been acting up. I can't sleep when I want to and I'm overtired when I've got stuff to do.

I'm really thankful that K is feeling better though. He gets cluster headaches and Thursday night's and most of yesterday was a doozy. By the time I got home though he was through it. His eye was still bright red but he was able to move and drive and even go and play music for a while.

Anyway, there's a pile of E-bay orders awaiting the post office, piles of laundry and other errands to be run. The orders I'm happy about of course. I'm just fighting fatigue. Maybe I'll pick up a latte! Yeah, that will make life easier! To the espresso!!!

Being on prednisone is kinda bizzarre. I can manage to feel fatigued still sore and wired all at once. I'm running the course with it though cause I know it'd be worse without it.

Full of surprises am I...

2007-11-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

I was so sure that I was going to get so much done because I was so "loaded with energy"! HA! All I did was go to sleep on the loveseat. The house is just as behind as before. I feel slightly better physically but worse every way else... and my hands and wrists have flared despite all the prednisone!!

I just went to one of my favorite passages in Romans, but in the translation of the Message. You gotta love the Apostle Paul, he's one of the writers that says things in such a way that has you go,"Yes! that's where I'm at. That's what I was thinking!" And you're amazed at how he could so accurately nail the deepest parts of you and spread them out as if they were plain and commonplace. Which as much as we struggle, I guess they really are. We are all, after all, human. Our struggles have been the same since the fall. And as much as we would love to think that we are so unique in our struggles, in the burdens we have to bear, Solomon says way way back in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun. And Paul also said (from the Message again 1 Corinthians 10:12-13): 12 Don't be so naive and self-confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence. 13 No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it

But here's the passage in Romans that I was talking about originally ( Romans 7:11-25 The Message)

11 So sin was plenty alive, and I was stone dead. 12 But the law code itself is God's good and common sense, each command sane and holy counsel. 13 I can already hear your next question: "Does that mean I can't even trust what is good [that is, the law]? Is good just as dangerous as evil?" No again! Sin simply did what sin is so famous for doing: using the good as a cover to tempt me to do what would finally destroy me. By hiding within God's good commandment, sin did far more mischief than it could ever have accomplished on its own.
14 I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself - after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. 15 What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. 16 So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. 17 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! 18 I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. 19 I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. 20 My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. 21 It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. 22 I truly delight in God's commands, 23 but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. 24 I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? 25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different"

Isn't our God good! How cool is it when we can basically look at any situation in our lives and know that it's not a surprise to Him, whether it's a mess we got ourselves into or the torture of circumstance from this fallen world we live in, it's not news to the God of all creation, and He's ready to pull us through, all we gotta do is grab unto His unchanging hand! Not the easiest reach sometimes when we're struggling. I know! Wow, do I know.. But still that doesn't make Him any less there for us. And that's a good, good thing.

Today was a good day..

2007-11-09T16:04:00.000-08:00

I had a good time with my sister and my kids and some good time to talk with my Mom. She had to practically throw me out of her house. It seems like in some situations there's just not enough time to talk it over. If she hadn't of kicked me out to go do what I had to do today I'd probably still be there bending her ear. I've spent the last several nights waking up in the wee hours and just reminiscing and pondering matters with my hubby.

Last night I was really blue, so we put on some classic rock, which is my sad music of choice and just hugged and listened. When I saw my primary care doc yesterday and updated her about everything that's been going on she asked if I'd considered talking to someone (meaning a therapist) I told her I'd think about it.

It's kind of funny cause all I've really been doing is talking. To my mom, dad, the ladies at church, to my husband, this blog, and virtually anyone else who will feign interest.

Anyway, I'm going to use the energy I've got now to try and get caught up on my housework. I took some prednisone cause I felt a stress flare coming on and now I'm a little wired. I feel like cleaning. It's rare for these moods to hit me so I usually let it take over.

10 Days later...

2007-11-09T04:26:00.000-08:00

It's 10 days since losing Johnny. I have been struggling, like we all have I suppose.

At his wake and funeral over and over people said to me how they were amazed at how well I was taking it, holding up etc. My response was always the same. "As hard as this is, I know it's the easy part. The wake felt long at times but it was only four hours. The funeral, including the lunch afterward was really only a day. The hard part is going on with my life without him."

And that has been the hardest thing to do. My first Sunday back at church. A doctor's appointment. My first time back at my book study. Everything "normal" is like some sort of acknowledgement that this is not a horrible nightmare from which I will soon wake, shaken, but relieved.

I find I have both a relish and a resentment for the everyday. Relish because being on autopilot is kind of a painkiller for the sobbing ache of loss. Resentment because it is all too easy for an everyday thing remind me of what's really taken place. Someone gives me my change at the pharmacy with a chipper, "Have a great day!" and it's like an icy slap. I feel like screaming! I want to grab ahold of her and tell her how stupid she is. My 20 year old brother is gone!

But the hard fact is, life does go on. We still have obligations. Bills, appointments, meals, baths, diapers, laundry. All of those things aren't going away or even being suspended till we as mourners can pick up the pieces. I guess that's best. If there really were some sort of Boo'ya Moon where we could go to veg out when life hurt too much, it would be way too easy to become a shrouded corpse there, unaware of the real world pining for our return.

I've had a great urgency to let everyone who is/was?! part of John's world to know how important they are. Any of his friends and loved ones that stumble upon or even purposefully seek my blog must remember that.

John's world in many ways was one of darkness and unimaginable pain. He walked marathons the Valley of Weeping. But there were bright spots of respite. Friends and family that loved him, that were thoughtful in his hard times, a good book or a great one, music that he loved. But most of all the ones who loved him.

I can truly say, as someone who has her own share of chronic pain, unconditional love is the best treatment. When pain and disability have got you feeling ugly and useless, a burden to those around you, love gives you a reason to keep going.

So thank you again to all the ones who loved him. You gave him respite in this world that no amount of pills or other substance could ever do. Made his immeasurable burden just a bit lighter.

I've got to get ready soon. Today is my little sister's 18th birthday. Understandably she didn't really want to party, but still I was happy to see that she made plans for the day. (It's really better to be with people in times like this.) Anyway, the auspicious occasion will begin for her by the kids and I taking her to breakfast.

Yes, I meant the word auspicious there. Lena is filled with promise, working and going to college. John always (rightly) told her that she could be anything she wanted to be, and accomplish anything she set her mind to. Beautiful and talented, whatever she strives for she can have, he would tell her. And Lena, don't you ever forget that! Just because John's journey here was tragically cut short that doesn't take away the truth of what he said. He would like nothing better then you to live up to your fullest potential, because he loved you dearly!

So happy birthday to you, little sis! I cannot give you the gift of taking away loss, but I do have unconditional love in abundance. There is nothing better you could do to honor our brother than realizing your potential and achieving your goals. And I'm here always, to help you on that journey in any way I can.

Beyond words..

2007-10-31T04:06:00.000-07:00

It's about 7 am, 10/31/07.

Yesterday, we lost my little brother, John. We got the call that he had been rushed to the ER by ambulance around 5:15, and then about a 1/2 hour later we got the call that he was gone.

If I hadn't had seen him, touched his hand, wept over him, I still don't think I'd be able to believe his passing. It's surreal. A 20 year old young man, a better writer and artist than most could ever hope to be, gone?

I like to think of myself as a decent writer, but I've found at the most crucial moments in my life I am going to what's already written. I don't know why that is. I woke up with lyrics from the musical RENT in my head.

525,600 minutes,
525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets,
in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes

How do you measure
A year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?

Measure in love
Seasons of love.
Seasons of love

525,600
525,000
Journeys to plan.

525,600 minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!

That's, of course, inadequate. But the sentiment stays. My love for my little brother has had many seasons, the first of which started before he was born.

He made me a big sister. What a gift! Though there are many times where I know that I filled that role poorly, he loved me anyway.

Family can be an interesting and honest mirror. You look into your loved ones and see elements of your own character, some that you feel proud to call your own and others which you'd just as soon forget.

John! His writing, his art, his amazingly generous and forgiving love of others. I hope that I am reflected there.

badly flared...

2007-10-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

I hate when I get into a flare like this. So much of my mobility and range of motion is taken away, I am fatigued and in pain and an emotional basket case. At least on some level the rational part of me knows that I am taking out some of this hurt and anger on my loved ones, but it's very hard to get ahold of.

I hate feeling like a burden, a letdown, a failure. Times like this it feels like every action or interaction I attempt turns out wrong, or rubs the other person the wrong way. When I show concern about this and attempt to right whats' gone wrong things just seem to get worse.

I need to have some quiet time. I gotta get my heart straight. Maybe that'll help me to get my head straight.

Fatigued...

2007-10-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

Ladies study was good as usual. Had trouble staying awake and it's my fatigue not the subject matter! I really hate what my physical struggles can do to my realtionships.

This week was lies about sin in the NLD book. Next week is lies about priorities. Hmmm... is itjust me or is that right on time with what I'm struggling with? We'll have to see. Maybe if I prioritize reading the chapter it will offer me some insight on how to move forward.. We'll see..

More later,
M.

Venting some steam before I pop!

2007-10-16T18:31:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed with trying to get some organization and routine to all that I've got going on. With home, kids, hubby, the online bookstore, writing and church responsibilities, I'm kinda drowning in all that needs to be done, that I'm behind on, that I have to get started with. I went to see my new gyn yesterday. She says the pill is the only way to manage PCOS.

I find this incredibly frustrating cause I've avoided the pill in the past just cause of the question of just how it prevents pregnancy. I am totally pro-life. I have no problem with something that prevents eggs from being fertilized but if it prevents fertilized eggs from implanting THAT is a problem. Why does the only option for some relief from all of this difficulty have to raise such a moral difficulty? Why can't things ever be easy?

I'm gonna have to go on the CPAP. The doc says that people on it find that they feel SO much better that its worth the hassle. After using it for a night at the center I woke up with a sinus migraine. :-( I have to talk with the doc and find out if that's related and whther there is some way around it.

Excerpt from a Mariah Carey song that touches on all the mood swings that have been overwhelming me lately... (minus the stress of a commitment-phobic man.. the one prob I don't have.. My hubby is here for better or worse!!)

Well, I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in realityI'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually, I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly'
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that that I'm suffering
So, I wear my disguise
'Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry
So, what do you do
When somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection
Is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I Will Survive"
Do you lash out and say"How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain
As they just slip away

One day at a time, God grant me serenity and other various platitudinal attempts to graps sanity....

More later,
m.

Around 3 am..

2007-10-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

Another night of waking from a sound sleep due to pain.

Thankfully, I got good news today from my gyn that it seems to just be the PCOS and not something more serious, and that it won't require surgical intervention.

I am going to see her on the 15th about what my options are in dealing with these symptoms. She said that there are ways of dealing with these things. I'm hopeful but afraid to get too hopeful just yet.

I feel like God is on the verge of doing something big. I'm studying two books right now;
The Disciplines of a Beautiful Woman and The Lies Women Believe and the Truth that sets Them Free.

These books compliment each other well and are really applicable to where I'm at in life right now. Wanting to be so much more than what I am, trying to get somewhere with my writing, trying to start a ministry, wanting to be better at what I'm called to be in my family, etc.

Lord,

Let all these principles from Your Word make me a better woman for You. I know that when I am better for You, I will be better for everything else. Help me to put You first. I am trusting that like You say in Your Word, if I put You first, everything else will fall into place. I need Your direction with my life, my marriage, motherhood, ministry, writing and household management. I have been feeling so out of joint and I don't know where to start with getting things in order. What I feel You telling me by Your Word and those You've given to minister to me is that once I make you first and surrender all this mess I've got for a life to You, You will direct me, guide me, and make everything ordered to Your plan. I give You all of this, Lord, please work Your will in my life.

Amen.

Down and discouraged..

2007-09-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

I have recently been diagnosed with PCOS. It's causing a myriad of symptoms that range from sharp pain, fatigue, depression plus a host of others that make me feel fat, ugly and depressed.

I also have some sort of sleep disorder that is being checked out and may result in one of my fears as a fat woman, a CPAP machine.

I have slowly but steadily been working on weight loss, as I know the rheumatoid, the sleep thing and the PCOS will all be alleviated to some extent by me weighing less.

It's hard work. I've been really struggling with anger and depression, I feel like a worthless, unlovable drain of my family's resources and while I know that this is not accurate...it is really hard to pull out of this spiral.

I am in a lot of pain, swollen and overtired.

More later,
M.

It's been too long..

2007-09-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted since mid August. I am writing now because I've reached a new low in my quest to become a better person. I am behind schedule in practically every area of my life and I really don't know how to get right.

To do:

Letters to people and companies: school dept, OAWSO, Arthritis Foundation, GoodNites,
Answers I promised over a week ago to another blogger's questions
Things I planned for the church nursery
Mail back DVDs, tooth stuff and face stuff
search and find info on PCOS
Submit writing
Whole house caught up on cleaning
drop off books to sell
Submit writing
Knitting for event
Return cd, potty and sneakers
Find points for Leslie
Mail out extra coupons
Balance books
Register for Super Saturday

Arrgggh! Just writing it all out makes me feel even more behind!!!

Dear God,
Help me to get caught up and please don't let my family suffer for my many shortcomings!
Amen.

Sore..

2007-08-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

I started an excercise and strength training regime with T yesterday. I felt considerably more encouraged yesterday after finishing than I do today, before working out, because I woke up SO SORE. But we will spur each other on and I am creating a new blog just for that progress.

Wow..

2007-07-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

I just remembered. I finished reading Wally Lamb's She's Come Undone. It was awesome. I can't remember being so absorbed in a writer that I wasn't already a fan of. Even certain things that would have turned me off to a book worked in so well and were delivered with such perspective that I was still able to really enjoy a truly well written novel.

Any Christian readers of my blog should be aware that this is a SECULAR novel and delivered from that viewpoint.

Something I shared at Ladies prayer summit ...

2007-07-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

O bey the Lord your God and follow His commands and decrees that I give you today.
Deuteronomy 27 : 10

V ow, and pay unto the LORD your God: let all that be round about Him bring presents unto Him that ought to be feared.
Psalm 76:11

E nter his gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise his name. Psalm 100:4

R emember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering.
Hebrews 10:32

C onsider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
James 1:2-3

O bserve the commands of the Lord your God, walking in His ways and revering Him.
Deuteronomy 8:6

M ake every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14

E very word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.
Proverbs 30:5

Been away too long..

2007-07-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

I need to start back blogging again. I have some medical stuff going on this weekend that may lead to unpleasant testing. I started having the problems last week and decided to ahead and push that aside and have my daughter's big 12th b-day anyway.

The party was a huge success. I finally got my baby boy's bedroom cleaned out and able to be used as a bedroom and it was so awesome to have it openable for the party.

I really can't focus on writing now. I will have more to say tomorrow after the appointment.

m.

Trials and tribulations...

2007-05-08T19:04:00.000-07:00

My family has been going through hell since the last time I posted and I feel so useless to those that I love the most.

I have nothing to give to ease the pain, the stress, the difficulties that my near and dear ones are suffering from. I have been praying nearly constantly, but I wonder what that means to those I love that don't know Him, or at least aren't on speaking terms.

It is so hard to surrender at times like these. To give it all, trusting Him to hold us in His hand in the midst of the storms and the calms.

Lyrics that are on my mind...

I'm sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board, I'm the captain, so climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrow on every shore
And I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold
But we'll try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said
They said come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

A lot that has been going on has brought up my past, some because of where I am in my writing lately and some because of what my loved ones are suffering at the moment. That song was an anthem for a dear friend who definitely missed out on the pot of gold, and who, sadly, decided to chase rainbows that only come in pipes and syringes.

God knows where I'm at. He's led me over and over again to plaeces where I'll hear what I need too. It's not an accident that in the midst of everything going on in my life our pastor is on a series about the pain and suffering of this life. And then in my personal study I ended up back in Lamentations 3, which resonated with me greatly especially in the following translation:

19 The thought of my pain, my homelessness, is bitter poison.
20 I think of it constantly, and my spirit is depressed.
21 Yet hope returns when I remember this one thing:
22 The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue,
23 Fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.
24 The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.
25 The Lord is good to everyone who trusts in him,
26 So it is best for us to wait in patience to wait for him to save us
27 And it is best to learn this patience in our youth.

God is so good. I have learned over and over that I cannot do anything without Him.

Created for each other..

2007-04-29T01:58:00.000-07:00

I remember in the 7th grade commenting to one of my peers how much her little sister looked like her. She said that she didn't know why I thought that, as they were both adopted, (different birth parents). I persisted though, pointing out that their smiles, brown eyes and curly hair still showed anyone that they were sisters.
She smiled and nodded, then said, "My mom says, "God knew from the beginning of time that we all would be a family, and He created us just right for each other!"
I remembered that yesterday when I saw my aunt with her baby boy. We were all talking and there was a moment that both mommy and baby turned to face me, and I saw how perfectly God had matched them up.
That goes beyond looks though, for sure. Some mommies and babies don't match up in that department. What about interracial couples where the mom is white and the dad is something else? I've heard of such mothers being asked what country they adopted from! Or what about couples that do adopt from other countries? They probably will never hear, "she's got her father's eyes or mommy' s hair,".
God knows what He's doing when He creates life. He knows what He's doing when He gives the stewardship of that precious life to us. There is something in each of us uniquely suited for our children.

Spring cleaning..

2007-04-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not really in much of a posting mood right now. We have to get the whole house clean for inspection by minimum housing again. The saga of the landlords seems to be never ending and we have a fistful of bills that I'm not sure how we are going to pay.

I spent an hour and a half at Price Rite this morning, most of it waiting in line. I am waiting on the refill for my pain med to come in the mail and am more than a little grumpy.

God has been telling me over and over agin thru different sources that I need to get my focus back on Christ. I think it's time for a serious heart check cause my attitude really stinks.

My mom just called to let me know that my aunt who I haven't seen in over a year will be in MA today at 2. I don't have the car! I haven't even seen the baby that we prayed for so long.

New blog by necessity..

2007-04-27T01:40:00.000-07:00

Hi to all,

I wanted to start blogging again and since I can't remember all the names and passwords of previous blogs and the e-mail addresses attached are now defunct, I set up a new page.

The title is a double sided reference. Readers of novels or current events I'm sure realize that there is a much talked about supposedly true but found to be fictional novel out there by a similar name. I will never understand writers like James Frey and Stephen Glass.

Why lie? Life is interesting enough. And if you can't find anything true to write about than sell your writing AS FICTION!!! John Grisham and Stephen King aren't household names for nothing, ya know!

Also, I am fat and trying once again to lose weight. As much as I can go off about Frey's lying style, nobody gets to be my size without a certain amount of lying. A lot of it to myself I suppose. But then there is the lie of the secret binges. Eating an abnormally large meal, because I "never got lunch". Food wrappers stuffed in the purse or covertly thrown away before coming home. Changing favorite food buying spots if I felt there was disapproval over my food choices from the checkout person, etc, etc.

The other day I was in a convenient store and had just such an experience. I got a coffee and donut for me, an iced tea and snack for my dear husband, and some cookies for the kids. The clerk surveys my choices and then says snidely,"Boy, that's a breakfast of champions right there!" I didn't say anything, just gave him "the look". It was obvious by his tone that he thought I was going to scarf it all down myself as soon as I got the opportunity. When he saw that I wasn't pleased by his attitude, he speedily bagged my merchandise and handed me my change. Then, and I think this bugged me the most, he says,"Well, you just go ahead and enjoy, hon!" As if he meant, "Say it loud, you're a fat slob and proud! Most people your size would be ashamed to be seen in public but YOU, bless your heart, flaunt your shame for the world to see!"

It means nothing to people like him that I weigh a considerable amount less than I used to, or that I have the hurdles of chronic pain, swelling and sometimes weight boosting meds to fight as well.

Sigh!

It's OK though. I'm not doing this for him or any of the million others like him out there. I have in the past, but this is for the right reasons now and slowly but surely it seems to be sticking.

Lyrics that most impressed me lately:

I can see the tears filling your eyes

And I know where they're coming from

They're coming from a heart that's broken in two

By what you don't see

The person in the mirror

Doesn't look like a magazine

Oh but when I look at you

It's clear to me

That I can see the fingerprints of God

When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God

And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece that all creation

Quietly applauds

And you're covered with

The fingerprints of God

Never has there been and never again

Will there be another you

Fashioned by God's hand and perfectly planned

To be just who you are

And what He's been creating

Since the first beat of your heart

Is a living, breathing

Priceless work of art

And I can see the fingerprints of God

When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God

And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece that all creation

Quietly applauds

And you're covered with

The fingerprints of God

Just look at you

You're a wonder in the making

And God's not through

In fact, He's just getting started!

Fingerprints of God by Steven Curtis Chapman

Wow! It really puts things in perspective. It's funny, I thought I didn't like SCC but either I had him mixed up with someone else, my taste has changed or his style has cause lately I like nearly everything of his that I've heard.

It's so true. I remember when I was a kid liking a poster or something that said,"God made me and He don't make no JUNK!" That's easier to believe, I guess, when you're a child.

When you have disabilities,pain, loss, disappointments, piles of failures or never even starteds clouding your vision it's hard to remember that we are all created in His image, just how He wanted us to be!

That doesn't mean that He wants us to happily wallow in our sin and bad choices but it IS promised that He can bring beauty from ashes and that He has a wonderful plan for our lives if we just give it to Him and let Him work!

Till next time,